Today, if you’ll allow me some latitude, I’d like to go off the beaten path a bit. I would like to broach a very sensitive subject of some seriousness. It has the potential to affect roughly half of this country’s population on any given day, and warrants at least a mention. I’d also like to start the dialogue with one simple (albeit Seinfeld-like) question: What’s the deal with naked guys at the gym?
I’m surely not alone when I say that I am totally weirded out by the amount of unnecessary and excessive male nudity that many are subjected to at the gym. And I think the problem might be reaching epidemic levels.
Most guys know exactly what I’m talking about. For some reason there is a certain percentage of the male population that loves to walk around naked in the locker room. However conservative these fellas’ might be at home, they get in that closed space with other dudes and they insist on subjecting complete strangers to their man parts. Unlike most major problems facing this country, this over-exposure problem is not political, racial, or socio-economic….however it might have some “age-ist” tendencies…but I’ll get to that.
I spend as little time in these gym locker rooms situations as humanly possible. I basically try to get in, change my shoes, try my best not to bump into any naked dudes, and get out as quick as possible. Shower at home whenever possible. No conversations. No naked time. I think I’m in the majority in this regard.
Although I spend as little time as possible in the locker room, I’ve been to the gym enough times in my life to classify the minority into types. Feel free to think of these as categories….archetypes…or a low-level animal classification system:
1) “Air Dry” Guy: This guy likes to shower at the gym, and then pulls a Rod Tidwell and goes sans towel. This species is noted for the length of nudity (until he is dry enough to put clothes on) and the uncomfortable nature of his nudity (the only thing worse than being stuck next to a naked stranger is a naked stranger who is dripping wet).
2) Abracadabra Guy: Has the presence of mind cover up with a towel upon exiting the shower, and makes you think maybe it’s safe…..maybe he’ll keep it on. However, when he gets near your locker he rips off the towel in one swift move. Think of the move a magician makes over his veiled hat…only a magician usually makes something like a rabbit disappear….. and this guy makes something that looks like a rabbit appear. Yeah.
3) The Mirror Guy: This clown loves himself so much, that gets naked and looks at himself in the mirror for an extended period of time. The mirror doubles everyone’s “pleasure”. Not only do you have one naked pruning, posing, narcissist moron but you have his exact mirror image making kissy faces back at him. Oh and by the way, this is usually the same dude who rocks the three pounds of hair gel, half a bottle of cologne, and sports the year round “bronzo-perma tan”.
In some circles this character even goes my a specific proper name: Brody Jenner.
4) Scale Guy: Refuses to weigh himself with anything on. Drops down to his birthday suit to get on the scale. He believes that wearing boxer shorts on the scales would so skew the reading that it would render it useless. “Phew…good thing I’m naked, or else I might have weighed .001 pounds more than I do right now.”
5) Old Guys: O man I’m even uncomfortable writing about these dudes. Ok…so I don’t have to make everyone uncomfortable by going too much detail, I’m going to sum up my entire take with one word: Gravity.
(hey, be happy I didn’t use a phrase like “Drop Anchor”…oh wait…)
6) Casual Naked Guy: The most curious of all the naked species. Does everything in his power to make you think he has clothes on. Although exposing all of his “man nether regions” this guy otherwise acts completely normal. He combs his hair, uses his cell phone, checks the gym schedule, chats up other clothed gym members about the Yankees, cars, or what have you…to such an extent that you almost forget he is essentially buck naked in a public place . Do not be fooled by this character. There is nothing normal about trading stock tips with a guy whose manhood in blowing in the wind.
I’ve now done my civic duty. I’ll let this article serve as both a public service announcement and a survival guide. Now that you know all the species that are out there you’ll be better equipped to protect yourself.