Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Another Wonderful Mailbag!

Q: What’s next for Terrell Owens?

New York, NY

DG: You cannot believe how disappointed I am that Owens signed with the Bills over the weekend. I had a whole “Where will Owens land?” article locked and loaded. It was going to be “rip city” folks. What a shame.

I guess the silver lining is the fact that since he is going to start the season in Buffalo, I can put my article on ice for a little while, and use it about this time next year. You can read into that: I don’t see this ending well.

Don’t get me wrong I think the Bills made a shrewd business decision by signing the mercurial receiver, because he will help bring attention and dollars to upstate NY….but I don’t think the Bills realize what they getting into.

They are in for one tumultuous season. I’m not sure it’s exactly tremendous for locker room chemistry when you bring in a guy who owns the line: “I love me some me”. I’m not kidding…look it up he owns the rights to it! I owe him a dime just for using it in this blog.

I don’t think Owens knows what he’s getting into either. Can’t you just imagine this exchange between TO and his agent Drew Rosenhaus at some point next season:

TO: “Drew, the craziest thing just happened….its November and there is a foot of snow on the ground!”

Rosenhaus: “Wow T.O that almost never happens!… (then under his breath)….most of the time it starts snowing in October.”

TO: “These people up here are crazy too. They be drinking this stuff called “pop”....I never even heard of it.

I got that 4 mil up front so…you gotta get my ass out of here…what you need me to do? I got tons of tricks up my sleeve: scream at the coaches, drop every other pass thrown my way, publicly question Trent Edwards sexuality, teary public man-cry breakdown moment…its all gold….I got all that.”

“One step ahead of you ’81. Got you an out. Already got Al Davis on line 1. He wants you baaaaaadddd! But there is a catch. He’s offering a long term deal and big money…..but he also thinks its 1975 and he wants to run it by Kenny Stabler first. We’ll work through it. TO, let me patch my inner monologue through on line 2. He wants to say something.”

Drew Rosenhaus’s inner monologue: “I smell me some money money money money money money money money money money money!”

I’m going to go ahead and set the over/under for number of TO starts in Buffalo at 10. I’ll take the under. Anyone want the other side?

Q: The female CNBC anchors are the only thing getting me through this economy. Who are your favorites?

New York, NY

DG: I’ve gotten sent this question at least twice before, and had this conversation privately on numerous occasions. This is a pretty typical trading floor conversation during a low volume day. To that end I’ve given this some thought, and I feel pretty good about my rankings. This is my top 5:

Maria Bartiromo – How could the original “Money Honey” not make the top 5? Once a perennial number one contender, she has seemed flustered by the recent economic crisis. Every time the market drops a few hundred points her voice cracks, she looks bewildered, disheveled, and somewhat panic-ridden. I could have sworn I saw some sweat beads forming last week. If there was a sports equivalent to Maria right now, it would have to be Michael Jordan in comeback #2 with the Washington Wizards. At times showing flashes of former brilliance, but when the big lights are on, is exposed to be a little over the hill, a little out of shape, and a little past their prime.

Rebecca Jarvis – a poor man’s Erin Burnett

Erin Burnett - a rich man’s Rebecca Jarvis. Speaking of rich…sounds like you need to be a VERY rich man to “court” Ms. Burnett. Private yoga instructor to her apartment? Fly her parents to Australia? Can she really be serious? And she has the presence of mind to make sure to specify “business class” tickets? Jeez…this is the worst over-valuation of someone’s own worth since…wait I already used the Jordan analogy didn’t i?…damn. Ok, how about worst over-valuation since Costanza demanded “the Ted Danson plane!”.

Michelle Caruso-Cabrera – Do I detect a little bit of a Mr. Robinson quality to her? Also, and maybe it’s just me, but sometimes she appears just about ready to wink at the camera. Maybe? No? Ok well it’s my list and I think she’s trying to wink at me. Boy, I need to pay attention more at work.

Trish Regan - kind of a cute, Pam Beesly-esque, girl next door cute quality her. Plus, I catch her on the Today Show quite a bit, so she has the advantage of being on the screen BEFORE the market opens sometimes- and hence BEFORE I lose all my money everyday. Paints her in a more positive light.

Q: DG, can you do me a huge favor…..whatever you do….in 2009 DO NOT let me dance the cachucha on “Dancing with the Stars?”

-Lawrence Taylor (circa 1987)

DG: Look I had a wonderful childhood. I had the privilege of being a kid the late 1980’s and early 1990’s (and some would argue that late 20th century and early 21st century). Golden age to grow up.

If you think of my childhood as a grand Parthenon-like architectural monument, then two of the main pillars holding up the entire structure up would be: Indiana Jones and Lawrence Taylor. Very important figures to me growing up. Over the course of the past six months however, major cannon balls to these pillars have necessitated a serious reevaluation on my part.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was the first movie I ever saw at the theatre. It’s the reason I love movies. It’s still in my top 5 all-time. I was “baby playing in water” level excited to go see the most recent Indian Jones flick. However, this installment was so HORRIBLE I will not now, nor will I ever refer to it by name.

It was so bad it almost serves to discredit the other three previous films, as well as Harrison Ford as an actor, and George Lucas and Steven Spielberg as filmmakers. You don’t believe in karma? Spielberg makes “the movie that shall not be named” and then loses a hundred million bucks with Bernie Madoff. Fair cosmic retribution if you ask me.

I kid you not when I say that seeing the last Indy movie was one of the most disappointing moments of my entire life (I’m embarrassed but it’s true). I thought nothing could ever again be so jarring….that is until I saw Lawrence Taylor the other night.

LT ......the biggest, fastest, meanest SOB you ever saw on a football field…. shattered Joe Theisman’s leg… struck fear into the heart’s of every offensive player who ever lined up against him....a true freak of nature who redefined the position of outside linebacker, greatest defensive football player of all time…
wearing a shiny, puffy shirt dancing the cha-cha on Dancing with the Stars.

It was like someone took a sledge-hammer right to my solar plexus. I can’t even give the dude a mulligan either. He actually said dancing was harder than playing in the NFL! Ugggghhhh!!!!!

Indiana Jones a joke? LT… a ballroom dancer? Hell, now I suppose anything is possible. Maybe Reagan was really a communist? Maybe Michael Jackson is normal and the rest of us weird? Maybe Don Mattingly was rocking fake sideburns?

O god…call an ambulance…I think I’m going to be sick.

1 comment:

  1. Erin Burnett was on Bill Maher's show last week and looked very good.....very good. But, I have to admit I am a long time Maria B. fan.